He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
i think im in europe. pls send help
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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