I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
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My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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