the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
