God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
