woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
