Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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