you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I need a beard to bite.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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