Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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