God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
