my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
