I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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