I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
two words...techno handjob
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Randomize
