Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
