There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
