my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
