Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm always down for nudity.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
