I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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