Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
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The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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