The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
