i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
