omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
