those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
