half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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