Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
