you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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