Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
