my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
