Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
