happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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