dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
