were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
