coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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