my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
