I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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