Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
