woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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