who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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