everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
