if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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