So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
