My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
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It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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