i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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