your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
