Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
