I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
