i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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