I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
