Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
