I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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