How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Randomize
