Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
