She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Randomize
