First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
