We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
