EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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