yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
