it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
