Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
